4. Utterly broken
Have you ever felt like your heart has been put in a mincer? That is how I feel right now looking at them. I feel like my heart has been shredded into pieces.
If I could take the useless piece of organ and throw it away then I would. Because the pain that was tearing through me was unimaginable.
I wanted to run away. To look away, but I couldn’t. My eyes were fixed on them and no matter how I wanted to avert them it was like they were glued there. To the loving scene that was playing before me.
I watch as they separate. Rowan’s eyes soften as he stares at the love of his life. I continue to watch as he cups her face in his hands. He brings her closer to him. He doesn’t kiss her, just lays his forehead against hers.
He looks peaceful. Like he’s finally home after a long time. Like he was finally whole.
‘I’ve missed you’ I read the words forming on his lips.
I don’t want to imagine what would be happening between them right now if they had met under a different circumstance. If they had met when we were still married. Would he have cheated on me?
Part of me wants to deny that thought but I can’t be sure. After all, this was Emma we were talking about. Rowan would go to hell and back for her sake.
Unable to take it anymore. I stand up and rush outside.
The moment I get outside the tears begin to fall. It fucking hurt and I didn’t know how to numb or stop the pain. But who could I blame? I was the one at fault for falling in love with a man that didn’t belong to me.
“Please make it stop. Make the pain stop” I beg whichever higher power is there to listen to me.
There is no answer though. No reprieve.
My hands shoot to my chest. I feel my chest constricting. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs no matter what I tried. I felt like I was slowly dying. Slowly fading.
“This is what happens when you want a man that doesn’t belong to you” his mocking voice penetrates the fog.
“What do you want Travis…if you’re here to mock me or warn me to stay away from your precious little sister then you can walk your ass back to the hospital where your family is. There is nothing here for you” I wipe my tear stained eyes and put my mask back in place.
I won’t let him see me cry. I won’t give them the chance to see me break.
He’s surprised at my words. The shock is etched on his face. I guess he never expected me to talk back at him.
“I was just making sure you to understand that Rowan always belonged to Emma. Your selfishness took him away from her but now they can be together. I hope you won’t get in the way of their happiness. They’re long overdue”
I let out a sarcastic laugh.
“Oh don’t worry, I won’t get in anyone’s way ever again. After this, none of you will have to see or put up with me anymore” I mumble bitterly.
He stares at me. His brows pinched in confusion. “What do you mean?”
I was tired and all I wanted was to go to sleep and forget this day ever happened. I’ll cry myself to sleep then wake up feeling refreshed and ready to face the next few days.
“Tell mother I’ll be by to help with burial preparations, that’s if she even wants my help. And tell your sister I said Hi”
With that, I walk away. Heading towards my car. I can hear Travis calling my name but I don’t bother to turn around. I just wanted to go home and break apart in peace.
I get into my car and drive home. Rowan told me that Noah was with his mother. I didn’t want to deal yet with another person that hated my guts. He was safe, so I’ll just pick him tomorrow.
I get home in record time. Being there alone just reminded me how truly alone I am. I have no one to comfort me or look after me. No one to love me. I have absolutely no one except for Noah.
Fresh tears start falling down my face.
I’m so tired of crying yet I can’t seem to stop. If only I could go back in time and change things. Maybe right now I would be married to a man that actually loves me.
But that’s the things about the past. Once it’s happened, you can never change it.
It’s three days since father died and everyone is in turmoil. It came as shock to everyone. He was a well known and loved man. So everyone was feeling his loss.
I haven’t seen Rowan since that day. He has called though multiple times but I ignored his calls. He was probably all loved up and in Emma’s arms right now. She has probably even moved in with him already. I didn’t need him rubbing that in my face.
Shaking those bitter thoughts, I focus on zipping my black dress.
“Mommy?” Noah’s voice comes from behind me.
I turn to find him with tears in his eyes. I kneel down so that I am on eye level with him.
“What is it my love?” I ask him.
“I miss him so much. We were supposed to go fishing with this Saturday” his voice catches and my heart breaks at his pain.
James Sharp may have been a terrible father to me but he was a great grandfather to my son.
I hug Noah to my chest and whisper comforting words as his tears soaked my dress.
“I know that you miss him but he is with angels now and he will always look after you from above. Remember he can never be truly gone because he lives in here…” I touch his chest. “And here” I touch his head.
“Besides, he wouldn’t want you crying. Do you want to make him sad?” I gently ask and he shakes his head.
“Good, here is what we’re going to do. Instead of being sad, we’re going to remember all the wonderful memories we had with him, okay?”
I have very few good memories with him but Noah had a lot. I was going to help him hold tight to those.
I wipe the tears from his face and stand up. Picking my purse, I hold out my hand out for him. He takes it and looks up at me.
“Now, let’s go give you grandpa a proper sendoff”
He gives me a small smile and with that we leave. It was time to say goodbye.